Dumbledore's Manipulations
by the good dr
Summary: A generally comical look at the manipulations of Dumbledore... or at least the manipulations of Dumbledore through fan fiction. Rated M for sexual language, but nothing that's against site policy.
1. Chapter 1

**STORY ONE**

**Summary:** We get a manipulative Dumbledore's view on things… sort of.

* * *

Dumbledore's last week on earth was not going very smoothly. First off his hand chosen successor was too incompetent to figure out the locations of Voldemort's horcruxes off the bat, McGonagall had pretty much left him to help Granger "study" every night, and the school's board of governors had dropped his lemon drops from the budget in order to fill a huge deficit. Though he was somewhat surprised at how much cutting his lemon drops from the budget saved the school in a single month, which was even more astonishing considering how cheap the candies were. He seriously couldn't have eaten several thousand galleons worth of lemon drops at only a knut a pound.

He seriously thought about offing himself right now, just to make the withdrawals go away. How could the board of governors not know that those lemons were all he lived for? Not only were they the only reason he got up, they were the only reason he woke up in the morning.

Harry Potter came rushing into his office. This never ended well. Why couldn't the lad just learn to take care of things by himself? Dumbledore put on a happy face that looked so faked a blind man could see it; and Potter, being as unobservant as he was, failed to realize the insincerity of the headmaster's smile.

"Professor Dumbledore…" Harry began to rush through some story of importance. To be honest Dumbledore didn't care, and had never really listened to him ever. He'd just nod his head, and wait for Harry to finish talking before saying his usual speech.

"Harry I'm glad you told me, however I would suggest we do nothing about it until I have time to look into it further. Now you should leave before lights out." Dumbledore said as he pushed the young wizarding hero out of the office.

"What the fuck?" Harry asked himself "What's there to investigate, McGonagall and Hermione asked us to an orgy." Harry said to himself as he ran towards the transfiguration teacher's classroom.

* * *

**STORY 2**

**Summary:** In which Harry is bad ass, ultra powerful, and has a huge harem; all of which is somehow completely unnoticed by the teachers, especially our favorite old manipulator.

* * *

Harry smiled as several girls pointed at him and giggled loudly. Yep last night had been good. So good in fact that he was still smoking a cigar. In front of McGonagall, who appeared not to notice him, or the fact that pretty much every girl in the school was talking about their exploits with the boy who lived. Because you know even ten feet away teachers are teachers and never really listen or pay attention to students at all. Hell Harry had killed Malfoy a month ago in the Great Hall and no one seemed to notice. And Harry didn't have to worry about Dumbledore ever reading his mind again, because he had become a successful legilimens.

So naturally because he had all that power he was going to put it to good use. First he would create an army out of volunteers who practically came out of nowhere and joined just because they all believed Dumbledore was a lying bastard. Then he would increase the ranks of his harem, because well… a man has to have his priorities set straight. Finally he would use his connection to Voldemort to track down all of the horcruxes in an instant and promptly destroy them, while simultaneously killing Dumbledore, increasing the size of his harem, taking down the Ministry of Magic, and setting up a new world order in which every woman who was attractive became a part of his harem.

"Dumbledore needs to see you right away Harry." McGonagall said, snapping Harry out of his thoughts.

"Yes ma'am." He said as he packed his things and left.

"_How come I only get stuck with Dumbledore?"_ McGonagall asked herself as the apparently gifted Mr. Potter walked away _"Why can't I join someone's harem?"_

"Sir you wished to see me?" Harry asked the old headmaster.

"Yes Harry I need to see you. Apparently Voldemort is up to something inexplicably evil, which I can't tell you because I don't know what it's really about." Dumbledore said

"_Stupid boy he's buying it. I wonder if he would do those things Grindelwald used to do…" _Harry read the headmaster's thoughts. He quickly cursed himself as hideous images flashed through the gay headmaster's old perverted head. Screw it, he was going to mess up his plans, but at least he would never have to see that again.

"Avada Kadavra!" Harry yelled.

* * *

Author's notes (mostly for idiots, but some of it may actually be of use to everone else)

No that is not a typo when I say _"Not only were they the only reason he got up, they were the only reason he woke up in the morning"._ In the event you still don't get it look at the fic's rating and use your imagination.

No I will never ever go into detail about sex. Enough said.

Ok I want everyone to know, especially you kids who still haven't graduated high school, your teachers aren't deaf, just because you say something to your best friend right next to you or text behind you backpack doesn't mean they don't know what's going on, it's fairly obvious. If you were smart enough to realize that already then good for you; you've seen a major error common to many fics.

No that is not a typo either, while it is actually an occulmens who can hide things in their minds, I decided to see exactly who would catch it.

Ok another major problem with manipulative Dumbledore fics is that Harry not only quickly learns to become an occulmens, but somehow gains the experience to deceive Dumbledore when he reads Harry's mind. Because it's not like the most powerful wizard in the world doesn't have over one hundred years of experience, compared to Harry's several hours, days, weeks, or at most a month.

Harems… They seem like a good idea now, but when you've got a hundred kids/ STDs and a bunch of angry mothers/women you've infected asking for child support/hush money, don't come crying to me/asking for the treatment.

Yes I know this is an over the top, and includes some stuff that is not strictly limited to manipulative Dumbles fics, but hey it's still funny right? So if you want to help me make this better send your ideas, I'll try and incorperate them into future stories.

signed the good dr.


	2. Chapter 2

**STORY THREE**

**Summary: **Harry gains large inheritances, all of which Dumbledore tries to hide from the boy. And for some reason Harry gets a bunch of wives from marriage contracts, and is an emo with superpowers and a bunch of other weird shit.

Harry Potter was sitting in his room at the Dursley's, cutting his wrists and listening to suicide is painless while wearing an all black outfit. He felt like Hamlet, only without the Oedipal conflict.

"Why did you have to die Sirius?" Harry yelled to no one. His Aunt and Uncle had been so disrespectful to his dead godfather's memory that Harry had killed them and used Dudley as a personal slave. And of course no one had noticed the blood curdling screams as he slowly killed his uncle by beating him to death with his own skull. The fat man's last words were "This doesn't seem physically possible!"

Hedwig entered his room, only instead of being a snowy white owl she was now covered in all black, because she had also become emo. Fuck lets face it everything is emo, because emo is awesome. Let's forget the fact that Harry was a sheltered child in the nineties, and that the magical world has no basic understanding of the muggle world and say that everything is emo and goffik, just like the infamous _My Immortal_.

Harry took the letter attached to the formerly white owl. Hedwig took off and went to be emo elsewhere. She knew that with that much negativity in the air one of the two might kill themselves, and being one of the few characters with any trace of her canon self, she was not willing to let her emotional negativity influence her master to kill himself.

Harry opened the letter from his godfather.

"Dear Harry if you are reading this, then I am dead, don't even ask how I was able to mail this to you, it involves knowledge one gains only from the art of necrophilia. I want you to know that Dumbledore is a lying bastard; you should never ever listen to him and go create your own army. Oh and I leave everything in the Black family to you, and being your legal guardian emancipate you. Oh by the way, do to some weird shit that went on a long time ago you now have about twenty arraigned marriages. That's all I have to say… no wait I forgot to mention Dumbledore is a lying bastard."

"I knew it, Dumbledore is a lying bastard! He must want all of my inheritance money and my twenty wives!" Harry shouted. Suddenly Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere and tried to BS some story.

"Harry my boy, I would never do such a thing to you, I already have enough money, am head of the Wizengamot, and I would never take your twenty wives because as you should well know I am of the homosexual persuasion."

"Lies, that just what you want me to think. Why didn't you tell me I had twenty wives, why didn't you bring me to a good and loving family, why did you, the greatest wizard of your time allow Voldemort to try and kill me and get into Hogwarts? Wait you're a fag? So when you told me to… Oh my god I've been raped!"

"Harry I told you that was Snape, and he was doing it because you have your mother's eyes and he had an eye fetish." Dumbledore reasoned "Besides I can't be expected to know everything. If I was omnipotent then what point would there being in writing seven books about you? I would have killed Voldemort long ago, or given you the advice to do it."

"Lies, lies, lies! Sirius told me not to listen to you, you lying bastard!" Harry yelled. "Why am I moody all of the sudden?"

Another letter was dropped next to Harry from Hedwig. Harry opened it and read it aloud.

"Sorry I forgot to mention this earlier Harry, but these marriages will connect you to your wives… considering you're all interconnected I'd hate you be you when they're all on their periods. Sorry, remember not my fault."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON WOULD THINK OF THIS?" Harry yelled the question to Dumbledore.

"Ancient magical customs were always that weird. But on the bright side you'll have the power of twenty witches and yourself. I'd even dare say you are now so powerful you could kill Voldemort."

"Hey that gives me an idea! AVADA KADAVRA BITCH!" A very distraught and moody Harry yelled at his former mentor.

**STORY FOUR**

**Summary: **Voldemort captures Harry, and makes him realize that his mentor is in fact a manipulative bastard, and explains why harems are a bad idea for a man looking to take over the world. Also Star Wars is plagiarized. I'll see you in court Mr. Lucas.

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true." Voldemort told Harry.

"No, Dumbledore would never manipulate me, and force the Weasleys to be my friends." Harry responded.

"Why do you lie to yourself? Haven't you wondered how the Weasleys were able to afford that new house? Or why Arthur is driving a muggle SUV with 300 inch rims?" the Dark Lord asked.

"They said they won the lottery… again."

"Have you ever wondered why Dumbledore was able to let me nearly kill you pretty much every year you've gone to school?" Voldemort asked in an oddly sweet voice, considering he is after all an evil genocidal maniac.

_Flashback_

"_Professor Dumbledore we think that professor Snape is going to try and steal the Sorcerer's Stone!" Harry yelled to Dumbledore as the old man headed for the transfiguration professor's room._

"_Err that's nice… go run along and play while Minerva and I uh… grade papers." The elderly headmaster replied._

"_Professor what's that in your pants?" the young eleven year old asked._

"_Someone thought it would be funny to transform my underwear into an ice tray and I really need it changed back to normal before I get frost bite." Dumbledore replied. (Did you really think this one was going to be sexual?)_

"_But you said…"_

"_I lied, now go play with your friends!"_

_**The next year…**_

"_Professor Ron's sister is trapped in the chamber of secrets… what's that thin line of white powder you're sniffing sir?" The now twelve year old boy asked._

"_Uh it's my… heart medication… now go away!"_

_**Two years after that…**_

"_Professor I just saw Voldemort come back to life and kill Cedric!"_

"_Merlin's beard! There's only one man in the world who can give you the psychological counseling to overcome this horrific situation. Alastor I need you to go and take Harry into a room that is far off the beaten path. Somewhere he can cry real loud without fear of being overheard."_

_**The year after that…**_

"I get it already! Why should I join you?" Harry yelled in distraught.

"Dumbledore never told you about your father did he?" Voldemort asked

"He told me enough, he told me you killed him!"

"No Harry, I am your father!"

"NO…"

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

"…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't be related to someone as ugly as you!"

"Join me and you get to kill Dumbledore." Voldemort said in a voice similar to how a parent bribes their child, which is now oddly fitting.

"Fine I'll do it." Harry agreed dejectedly.

"Good, now before we start there is one father son thing we need to talk about, the birds the bees, and why harems are bad for you."

"Yep you have to be my father if you seriously just said that."

* * *

1. Ah yes the most perverse of the arts of magic, necrophilia. Can't really make a good joke out of it at all.

2. If you can spot all the references, then good for you.

3. If you have no idea what the Oedipal conflict is... you're better off not knowing. That being said if your parents catch you in it... well life's going to get pretty awkward for you.

4. Sorry about the whole dragged out NO thing, the site wouldn't let me make it as long as I wanted, so I improvised.

5. Any new ideas would be good. Seriously I'm just pulling these out of my ass people, I'd like a little help here.

signed the good dr.


	3. Chapter 3

**STORY FIVE**

**Summary: **The continuation of story four. Some weird Mpreg stuff is revealed, then immediately retconned by the narrator who shuns a fangirl from the fandom, and Dumbledore is killed by the new father-son duo, as they plan to take over the galaxy… err I mean wizarding Britain.

"… and as you can see syphilis is even worse when a wizard gets it. So unless you want your dick to fall off, don't go sleeping with random women." Voldemort said, concluding the lecture to his son.

"Those images will haunt me for the rest of my life father. I will now take a vow of celibacy." Harry said coldly. He swore he heard what sounded like a large group of fangirls cry out in dismay. Regardless of what he thought he might have just heard, Harry realized that after having seen such haunting images there was no way he would be able to speak with any emotion for a week, and forget about sleep, he just couldn't risk it. He would have to spend the rest of his life awake, just to make sure he would never dream those images.

"You don't have to be celibate. Harry there is something I need to tell you, I'm not your only father. James is also your father, you have no mother." Voldemort said flatly.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THAT THIS IS FUCKED UP BEYOND ANYTHING POSSIBLE! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW WRONG THAT IS!" Harry yelled in anger.

"You know what, now that I think about it you're right, it shouldn't be physically possible. Don't even get me started on the whole anal sex thing." Voldemort realized.

An angry fangirl appeared out of nowhere, glaring at Voldemort. She then whispered in a dark and threatening manner "if I say you and James were gay and that James got pregnant with your baby, then that's what happened."

Suddenly a narrator with a deep bass voice cut in. "SILENCE CHILD! THIS CHARACTER BRINGS UP A VALID POINT! AS SUCH YOU SHALL BE BANISHED FROM THIS FANDOM!"

"What?" The girl asked in astonishment before she disappeared. Voldemort's previous statement of him being gay with James was immediately retconned by the narrator to say that he was in a secret love affair with Lilly, and that male pregnancy will certainly never happen.

"Why do I feel like there was a conversation that happened just now that we are completely unaware of?" Harry asked his father.

"I'm not sure. Anyways as I was saying your mother never liked Dumbledore, and as such we were going to kill him and take over Britain. However James gave her a love potion, and she left me shortly after you were conceived. The love potion James gave her had the unknown side effect of delaying her pregnancy. So no one was aware that when she was visibly pregnant several months later, that you were not James's child." Voldemort said.

"Yeah, whatever. Can we kill Dumbledore now dad?" Harry asked eagerly.

Voldemort smiled and sniffed as he began to feel tears of joy. "They grow up so fast."

As if on queue Dumbledore appeared with a resounding crack. "Quickly Harry follow me. I'll save you!"

"Go on Harry." Voldemort said in an uncharacteristically positive voice.

"Alright I will." Harry said as he walked behind the elderly wizard. Harry then stabbed Dumbledore in the back with a knife that had been lying on a nearby desk.

**STORY SIX**

**Summary: **A Harry from an alternate universe is thrown into the cannon universe. And naturally this Harry is smarter, more powerful, independent, morally gray, and a complete and utter fan of all the bands the suethor… I mean author likes. Ok fine so he's really just the suethor in the guise of Harry. A suethor who cares more about teenage heart throbs than the epic battle against good and evil, and all of the important life lessons along the way, but who cares… this is a parody. Suck it. So maybe Dumbledore isn't even remotely manipulative in this one who cares the old man still dies.

Harry Potter had to leave his universe. After the Jonas Brothers died in a very fiery plane crash life just wasn't worth living. So naturally he would just leave the universe, because let's face it everyone can simply leave their universe at any time, and head into a new universe in which hopefully his favorite band never permanently disbanded. Sadly it was this awful place in which all of the events in his life took place in the nineties, not the new millennium. Harry didn't want to have to live through Grunge music! Unfortunately Harry could not change universes for another year, so he was stuck here in the nineties, with no good internet, no Lady Gaga, and worst of all no Facebook!

The first thing he noticed is that the students of Hogwarts had almost never been touched by muggle life. It was almost as if they were here to do something other than socialize, wear sexually provocative clothing, and gossip all day long. Almost as serious was the fact that Harry now had some sort of evil villain out to kill him, some guy named Voldemort, and an old principal who didn't know the difference between Justin Timberlake and Nick Jonas. That was the last straw in Harry's mind.

Naturally instead of grinning and bearing it until he could enter a new universe and hopefully have all of his dreams realized, he decided to "enlighten" Hogwarts. However the Ipod he had brought from his universe didn't seem to work at all inside the magical castle. He then decided to use his CD player. That didn't work so Harry threw it out. Harry then decided that if he couldn't use the totally awesome music from his reality he would have to make his own. He tried asking his friend Draco to join the band, only to realize that one this universe's Draco was not by any means smexy, two that they were not BFFs, and three that this Draco was neither bisexual, nor gay, nor part Veela. Strangely he was from some old prissy pureblood family and completely rejected the muggle culture altogether.

Harry gave up. Then he realized something… he didn't need to power the magic to send him into another universe, he could simply kill a powerful wizard and use his power to activate the spell. Harry walked into Dumbledore's office with a loaded gun. Don't even ask how he got it, he just did ok.

"Principal Dumbledore I need to kill you so that I can get to a better universe, one where all of my favorite bands are still together and alive. I know you'll understand." Harry said as he shot the old headmaster.

"Now I need to say the almighty spell. ALL MIGHTY POWERS OF POP MUSIC I BESEECH YOU, SEND ME UNTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE!" Harry yelled as he could feel the magic surround him.

Date: 2554

Location: Blood Gulch

Harry entered the new universe with a bang. "Uh why am I here?" He asked a soldier fitted in strange orange armor.

* * *

Ok I had to take a potshot at almost everyone who has ever written a crappy fanfic. That's what story six was all about... sort of. Fine that's what this whole chapter is about. For anyone who is familiar with Red vs Blue, yes I had to throw that in there. At one point I wanted the fangirl to be Donut, and have him talk all about his Harry Potter fanfiction, but it just didn't flow right. Not sure if that's the correct date for Blood Gulch Chronicals, because I went off the year that Griffball was made, so it should be close enough.

Also another reference, though not intentional, would be to Modern Warfare 2's ending, in which General Shepard tells Soap he'll understand the actions he took, shortly before he tries to shoot him. Nothing left to say except please review, I'm not going to be one of those desperate authors who say that they will not write any more until they recieve x number of reviews, but they do make me feel better.

signed the good dr.


	4. Chapter 4

**STORY SEVEN**

**Summary: **The almighty number seven. J.K. Rowling likes it and Bungie LLC wants to make sweet, sweet love to it. However I decided that a Halo/HP crossover would take to long, so expect it to be in Chapter 7. Naturally because it is the seventh story, I had to do something special… that's right a fic in which Dumbledore is not only manipulative, but good. I whish there were more of these out there. I might actually go with this for a while, with each "story" being a "chapter" in the story, but I'll do it somewhat randomly, so as to keep some humor in there, and go right back to the Dumbledore bashing we are all used to. Both stories combined are seven pages long when you have it set to double spacing, just in case anyone wanted to know. Yes Bungie you can worship me for this chapter.

Dumbledore looked up sadly from what had once been the Potter family house. Voldemort's body had been destroyed; there was no question about it. However as Dumbledore had arrived at the scene he had noticed what appeared to be the remains of the shattered soul of Tom Riddle fleeing the rubble.

An artist might have loved the scene, perhaps the greatest wizard of all time was looking at the rubble of a once modest building while wearing his nightgown, searching hopelessly for any sign of life. A certain part of Dumbledore didn't want to go forward, didn't want to learn that there would be no survivors. He couldn't bear the thought of finding the mangled remains of Lily, James, and their son.

The cry of an infant broke the still of the night. The ancient wizard displayed agility that many one tenth his age could not. He briefly noticed that what had once been the upstairs of the house was now on ground level. He found the source of the crying, and quickly removed the rubble with his wand. Lily Potter's dead body was still covering the young baby's. From what Dumbledore could tell she had turned her back on Voldemort in order to save her son wrapped in her arms. Voldemort must have walked around the body in order to get a clean shot. Dumbledore picked up the child and tried to comfort him, and noticed the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. The baby stopped crying. Harry knew that he had been held by this man several times, and had he been much older may have mistaken him for his grandfather, considering how often he visited the Potters in recent months. Dumbledore continued to examine the scene as Harry began to fall asleep in his arms. Voldemort must have used a curse on Harry, and knowing Tom Riddle that meant the killing curse; it must have somehow been deflected. Dumbledore began to ponder aloud.

"I believe Tom has found that love is indeed a force to be reckoned with. Your mother must have inadvertently given her magic to save you, shortly before she gave her life." He spoke softly to the baby in his arms. Harry stretched his arms a bit to become more comfortable as the old man moved around.

"In a way I wish she hadn't. Many won't understand how you survived. Some may even consider it dark magic. I wish I could simply explain it away to everyone, but I am sure someone will figure it out sooner or later. And when everyone finds out, they will say your mother committed an act more unholy than anything Voldemort has ever done, and they will hate you for it, and they will kill you for it. Your mother's sacrifice was nothing like anything Voldemort has ever done. It was done out of love for another, something he will never understand. I wish there were another way, but you must appear dead. No one must know you are alive. Forgive me James. Forgive me Lily." Dumbledore said.

The ancient wizard stepped away from the rubble, with the baby in his arms, and set the remains of the house on fire, then began to clear any magical trail. It would be at least ten minutes until the ministry came to investigate, and by then there would be no evidence.

Eleven Years Later…

Leonard Church sat on the Hogwarts Express, off to his "first" year at the school for witchcraft and wizardry. No one could, or would, ever know that his real name was Harry James Potter. Everyone believed that "the boy who saved us all" died that night with his parents and Lord Voldemort. Part of him was afraid, another part was excited. He would finally get to meet people his own age. He loved his "grandfather" to no end, but he was often busy, and there are just some things that a man as old as Dumbledore could not do. Besides he had never been with people his own age for extended periods of time. True, Dumbledore would take him to the muggle park often during the summers, but Harry never got along with those kids. It felt different to be around them, they didn't seem to understand ethics well. They wouldn't usually bully him, but sometimes they would bully other kids, and Harry just couldn't not help the poor kids. More than once Dumbledore or a parent would be forced to intervene on his behalf. An outside observer might call his life sheltered. Aside from those few scuffles with other children he had never had to fight, or see another fight. He knew he would have to fight a man named Voldemort, and potentially kill him, but he didn't understand it.

**STORY EIGHT**

**Summary:** Yeah I know I should make that a separate story, and if I have enough time while I'm in college I may actually decide to do it. Seeing as I won't likely have that kind of time, I'll just pop it in every now and again. So back to some Dumbledore bashing, Harry gains a shitload of magical inheritances (including Hogwarts), while bad shit happens to Dumbledore.

"What do you mean I am the rightful child of Gryffindor and Slytherin?" A dumbstruck Harry Potter asked the Goblin.

"It has just been confirmed. We were required to do a blood test in order to read your godfather's last will and testament as you may know. We have tested that blood now one hundred times and have confirmed it one hundred times over. You are the sole heir to the House of Gryffindor and the House of Slytherin. As such you technically own Hogwarts, have become legally and magically emancipated, have gained a sizable amount of gold to your already sizable bank accounts, and have inherited a large number of marriage contracts… however all but one or two have either expired or will pass down to your children and grandchildren." The goblin stated matter of factly.

"Only one or two marriage contracts; surely you must be kidding!" Harry yelled so loud his lungs nearly burst from his chest.

"I'm not kidding… and don't call me Shirley, my name is Griphook, remember? Shirley is my daughter's name." the goblin named Griphook said in a tone of voice that matched his previous statement.

"Daddy, why do you keep calling my name?" a female voice came from behind a stack of scrolls.

"Nothing dear, continue to organize the scrolls while daddy works with a client." Griphook yelled to his daughter. "I hate bring you daughter to work day. It's still better than bring your wives and there mothers to work day." He said to Harry in a hushed voice.

"Right; anyways can I get the marriage contracts annulled or something? Wait how come my father never had to deal with the marriage contracts?" Harry asked.

"No you can't someone in your family must fulfill them. You could ask them to be brought upon any sons or daughters you have, if the other party agrees to it. Your father never had to worry about marriage contracts because they skipped him. Apparently no one wanted to sell their daughter to a man such as him. And you are aloud to become married to the woman of your choice before you turn twenty one, so long as everyone consents to it. Besides wizards are only allowed to have one mate. You have no idea how lucky you are in that aspect. Try having multiple sets of in-laws." Griphook finished in a low voice.

"Err… I'll take your word for it." Harry said. So what now?

"As the owner of Hogwarts you must set the budget for the school. Shirley can you get me the Hogwart's profile?" Griphook asked his daughter.

"Yes daddy." The young goblin said with her voice full of faked enthusiasm.

"Um can't I just say that it's good and leave it at that?" Harry asked.

"No, currently Hogwarts is running in the red. It turns out that running a school with minimal state funding and only about half of the families can afford to actually pay the tuition, so the other half get in free. Dumbledore has so far been unwilling to change the budget, but now that you are here you can donate your own private funds to Hogwarts, or simply balance the budget. Trust me its way easier than it seems." Griphook reassured Harry.

"Then why don't you do it?" Harry asked

"Because it is illegal; I can't even technically help you. Actually I shouldn't even have looked at the account, but… well trust me this is easier than you think." Griphook finished as his daughter came in with a stack of scrolls at least as tall as Hagrid.

"How will this be easy?" Harry asked.

"You'll see." Griphook said as he and his daughter left the room.

Harry opened the first scroll, and looked at it.

1,000 galleons- Headmaster's lemon drop fund

300 galleons- Headmaster's gay porno magazine fund

6.022 times 10 to the 23 galleons, Headmaster's emergency lemon drop fund

2,000 galleons- deputy headmistress's catnip fund

3,000 galleons- potion professor's emo ass makeup fund

1,000 galleons- decoration for rich purebloods only room

And the list went on in a similar manner for the next several hundred scrolls. Harry immediately crossed out all of the funds that looked useless… so pretty much everything, until his hand was so cramped that he figured it would never open again. The budget had finally been balanced.

Dumbledore's office

The aging headmaster was sucking happily on his favorite candy while looking at a muggle magazine called Playgirl. Life was good. He had a fat paycheck, "the boy who lived" under tight control, a public who worshiped him as though he were a god, and all of the gay porno mags he could want. It didn't get much better than this.

Suddenly a stream of owls dropped several large letters containing several howlers right on his desk.

Dumbledore opened the first.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE YOUR PAYCHECK IS HEREBY REDUCED TO ONE GALLEON A YEAR AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR LACK OF COMMON SENSE DURING YOUR TENURE AS HOGWARTS HEADMASTER! The letter yelled in a voice he did not recognize.

"Well at least I still have my lemon drop fund." Dumbledore said as he opened up the next one.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE YOUR LEMON DROP FUND HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO LACK OF FUNDS! SORRY WE HAD TO USE A HOWLER, BUT WE RAN OUT OF REGULAR LETTERS TO TELL ALL OF YOUR DEBTORS.

"And that is why I have my emergency lemon drop fund." The headmaster said as he opened up the next howler.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE YOUR EMERGENCY LEMON DROP FUND HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO LACK OF FUNDS. IN ORDER TO MAKE UP THOSE FUNDS WE WILL BE GATHERING YOUR STOCKPILE OF LEMON DROPS AND SELL THEM TO RECOUP THE LOSSES.

That was all Albus Dumbledore could take, he reached for his hand and began to try and think of a way to steal… err regain his lost sweets. In the blink of an eye Harry Potter appeared out of thin air with a resounding crack.

"You lying fuck, why didn't you tell me you were paying the Dursleys to house and feed me! And that one night in my first year! YOU SICK FUCK! I'm going to kill you!" Harry yelled as he proceeded to beat the living hell out of the old, perverted, pedophilic, and gay headmaster.

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Anyone who can catch the references gets digital cookies... you know so I can track you movements and send them to advertising companies... If you got the joke good for you you know how to use a computer.


	5. Chapter 5

**STORY NINE **

**Summary: **Well I'm back, and have finally decided to get off my lazy/busy ass and write these next two stories. So… yeah. This is what happens when Dumbledore decides that he needs to really go all out on the eye twinkle. Would you really say no to this?

"Umm… headmaster I'm fairly certain I don't want to drink that cup of tea." Harry told Albus Dumbledore, the greatest manipulator ever.

"Yes you do… I promise it tastes lovely." The grandfatherly old man said, his eyes twinkling brightly.

"You didn't even bother to remove the label that says love potion on it, give it to Harry so he can fall in love with Ginny and be easily controlled with." The teenage wizard said as he read the note on the tea cup.

"No it doesn't." Albus replied. His eyes twinkled even harder.

"It does, and by the way you left your entire sticky note collection for your plans to manipulate me here out in the open. By the way what is a horcrux?" Harry asked inquisitively.

"Harry I believe it's time we had the talk… you see you haven't had any girlfriends yet and it would probably be a good idea to have an heir soon, seeing as you will have to sacrifice yourself in order to kill Voldemort." Dumbledore's eyes were no longer twinkling, they were now sparkling.

Harry's face turned a bright red at hearing that he needed to… wait sacrifice himself?

"WHAT?" Harry yelled the question at the top of his lungs.

"Yes apparently witches like it if you end up using that line on them. I wouldn't know, seeing as it never worked on McGonagall. You know when your father was your age he had already had many scandalous relationships with young witches." Dumbledore said as his mind drifted to simpler times. The sparkle in his eyes continued to increase.

"Hold up here I'm only twelve! You know what lets go back to the part where I die, hopefully STD free and without any fatherless children." Harry said in a voice so full of embarrassment and anger that there was simply no way to describe it.

Dumbledore's eyes continued to sparkle, so much so in fact that even that faggity ass bitch of a vampire Edward Cullen would be jealous. The charm they had seemed to not be working on Harry. Dumbledore's eyes continued to sparkle, so much so that now he looked like some cheesy anime girl.

"Uh… this is creeping me out sir… can I go now?" Harry asked, his earlier embarrassment had quickly left as he was now confused, and somewhat scared for to what was about to happen.

Dumbledore's eyes continued to sparkle. Now it was so intense it looked like a five year old girl had simply dumped glitter on his eyes in order to make him "pretty".

"You are alive aren't you sir?" Harry asked, as his voice jumped up a few octaves. Have you ever seen an old man's eyes sparkle? It's actually quite creepy, especially considering his eyes now sparkled so much that they created laser beams. Harry ducked out of the way. Even for the magical world this was some pretty weird shit, though it wasn't like Harry had lived much more than a year in the magical world, so there wasn't much he could compare it to.

"Ok fine I'll drink the tea, just please stop!" Harry yelled as he reached up from under the desk and grabbed the tea cup. He gulped it down as fast as possible. For some reason he now had the weird inkling to go and… well puberty hadn't really hit yet so he didn't actually know what to do, but all he knew was that he now loved Ginny Weasely. The next though that came to his mind was "Ron, Fred, George, and maybe Percy are going to be so fucking pissed at me".

"There was that so hard?" Dumbledore asked; his eyes now back to normal. He then proceeded to repair the gigantic hole in the wall that his super twinkling eyes had caused with a flick of the wand.

"No not really. So what happens now? Uh… I don't really think puberty has kicked in yet if you get what I mean." Harry asked in a somewhat drawn out voice. It looked like Dumbledore had given him the adult dosage, not the dosage required for a twelve year old.

"Nonsense, wizard boy hit puberty faster than muggles." Dumbledore said matter of factly.

"You do realize that Ginny is only eleven years old right?" Harry asked. Of course he was so doped up that it really just came out as an unintelligible mumble.

Dumbledore somehow seemed to understand. Then again he had been to Woodstock. It was one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" kind of things. He refused to ever drink the muggle "Kool Aid" ever again.

"You do realize that wizarding society may as well be stuck in the 1400's." Dumbledore replied.

Harry simply collapsed before he could make a counter argument. Of course he was so doped up that that ended up being a good minute.

"Lightweight." Dumbledore said simply. "Your mother stood up to twice the dosage when she was a year older than you. And that was Snape's own invention if I remember correctly."

Harry just laid there on the floor. Dumbledore expected him to wake up any minute.

"Maybe I should tell Molly she won't be having those grandchildren she wanted anytime soon." Dumbledore said finally as he admitted that Harry wasn't going to wake up from his coma anytime soon…

**STORY TEN**

**Summary: **Dumbledore being the great manipulator he is… well I don't want to give it away. Just as a side note this will flip through flashbacks. I probably might make this just like my other serious story in this and pop back to it eventually. Or I might make this into a separate story, not sure which, but I likely won't have time for it if I do that.

Harry gleamed triumphantly over Dumbledore's dead body. The old coot had weakened himself just enough when he had drank the water protecting the locket. They had just crossed the other side of the underground lake full of inferi when Harry decided to show his true colors. The bumbling old man, a far cry from what he once was, could barely walk on his own. He doubted Dumbledore was even coherent when he pushed him to the ground, or when he flipped him over and threw the killing curse right into his face.

Harry looked at the Elder Wand, still clutched in its former master's right hand. Harry took the powerful wand from the once powerful wizard. That's when he saw it. It wasn't what he was looking for though. In Dumbledore's blackened hand the ring was missing. Harry had of course noticed this earlier. What he hadn't noticed was that the hand which once held the second Hollow now held a phial with what appeared to be a pensive memory. Harry decided that it might hold something of importance, after all the old man did love his secrets. Harry then levitated the body of Albus Dumbledore and threw it into the lake full of the undead.

Everyone would remember how the "great Albus Dumbledore" had sacrificed himself to save the chosen one. It was a perfect plan. Harry would step into Dumbledore's place, would earn the respect and love of the public, and finally bring much needed change to wizarding society. Of course he would revolutionize the magical community after he had dispatched Tommy boy. Considering Harry had already destroyed six of the seven horcruxes, he doubted his mortal nemesis would be immortal for long. Harry left the cave and disappeared with a resounding crack.

He reappeared just outside of Hogwarts' protective wards. Likely "Dumbledore's Army" had pushed back the death eater attack that had inevitably come as soon as Dumbledore left. He was surprised at how easy everyone believed that he was Dumbledore's man. The only thing that saddened Harry about his plan was that he would never be able to expose the old man's crimes against him. He put on a face of shock as he tried frantically to get someone's attention inside the castle.

The ghost of Albus Dumbledore smiled brightly at the sight of Harry trying to enter Hogwarts. So far everything was going according to his great plan.


	6. Chapter 6

**STORY ELEVEN **

**MANIPULATION**

DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN*

*not really directed by Christopher Nolan

**Summary: **I received the first request for this fic finally, and I must say that now that I have a new computer I now have the ability to actually write it out. This request was from Tall Tails - Feline Jaye, and it was to create an Inception parody. How many levels of Manipulation do we need to go into? You have no idea how many story elevens there were supposed to be. Originally I had one in the making to make Harry a super BAMF, but didn't start it. Then I got the inception idea, but it seemed too serious so I made it into story twelve, then I made another story eleven, but it was also too serious, so I felt I had to drop it. All I can say is thinking about what to do with story eleven was a complete bitch.

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Dumbledore needed to make absolutely sure that Harry was loyal to him. So naturally he decided to manipulate the boy through some convoluted plan. So he decided that he would implant the idea into Harry's mind to be completely loyal to him through the use of a reverse pensive. It hadn't really been that hard to get Harry to use at all.

Albus Dumbledore was currently standing in the mind of Harry Potter. Well not literally standing inside Harry's mind because that would be disgusting. And Dumbledore would have to be really really tiny.

Anyways so Dumbledore had absolutely no idea what to do. Why because he is a man and real men don't read the manual. Especially old men. Why because manuals are for women and idiots that's why. So naturally he figured he'd just go as deep as he could (lol) and convince Harry's subconscious mind to obey him without question.

Dumbledore then realized he was surrounded by completely nothing. He was in a white room with a limitless ceiling and endless walls.

"Harry are you here?" Dumbledore asked. There was no reply. The old wizard decided to turn around. There was a door. Naturally Dumbledore went inside. There was yet another empty endless whitewashed room with a door on the other end. Seeing as he had nothing better to do Dumbledore entered that door. This room was the same as the others, save that a book standing on a table in the middle.

Dumbledore walked up to it. It was as blank as the two rooms he had just been in. Well wasn't the human mind full of surprises and intrigue? It was a well known fact that Albus Dumbledore was a smart cookie, and was very prone to making correct guesses from little information. Assuming the other doors had been entrances to different levels of consciousness, then he could guess that the book in front of him would be used to implant an idea by writing in the book. Then Dumbledore realized something. He didn't have a quill. His great master plan was foiled.

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**STORY TWELVE**

**Summary: **Not really funny, it's kind of a dark humor that you sarcastically laugh at at the end because you know it should be funny. Still an inception parody, though only at the end. Actually Tall Tails wanted a manipulation inside a manipulation, but it just wasn't funny. So this is what I came up with. Sorry it's not as funny as you would have hoped for.

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"Harry you manipulative bastard you ruined my life!" Ronald Weasley yelled in anger at his former best friend as he prepared to put an end to this needless war once and for all.

"How Ron? How did I destroy your life? Was it because I am responsible for Ginny's death? It's her fault she decided to stay with me, she knew the death eaters would target her! It's not my fault that the rest of your family died trying to help me fight Voldemort!" Harry replied as he took stock of the damage surrounding the now empty and ruined Hogwarts grounds. There had been several battle here since Voldemort's fall, though none nearly as spectacular as the first. The death eaters had refused to go down without a fight, and now two years later the various engagements had destroyed the once grand building, its magical protections rendered useless by the attacks it had suffered. Oddly fitting that the former savior of the wizarding world would fight his once best friend in the same school that had helped build their friendship.

"All this time I thought you were my friend, I should have known you just wanted more pawns to sacrifice in the war! The blood of my family, of Hermione, and everyone else who fought for you is on your hands Harry!" Ron yelled as he waited for an opportune moment to attack the young man who was likely now the most powerful wizard in existence.

"None of this is my fault Ron! Blame bloody fucking Voldemort! He manipulated so many people during the war that no one would stop fighting! None of this is my fault! I loved Ginny, and your family treated me more like family than my own aunt and uncle! Ron, Hermione was practically my sister!" Harry pleaded. Ron might now be hell bent on killing him, but a part of Harry just couldn't stand to kill the man who used to be not only his best friend, but was also to be his best man and brother in law before Ginny's death.

"Of course none of this is your fault! It never is! It's always Voldemort's fault or Fudge's fault! You had everyone deceived Harry, even me. I'm just sad it took me so long to see the truth." Ron finished as he drew his wand and prepared to fight the boy-who-lived.

"I don't want to fight you Ron..." Was all Harry could say before Ron attacked with a cutting curse. Harry cast a quick shield charm.

"Was this what it felt like for Dumbledore to fight Grindelwald? To fight your once best friend? Damn it all to hell!" Harry though as he cast a full body bind curse on Ron.

The redhead dodged the attack with ease.

"Come on Potter, don't have the bollocks to get down and dirty? You were always too weak to do things yourself weren't you? You couldn't even kill Him like a man!" Ron yelled as he pushed the attack.

"No, what have I done, it wasn't supposed to end like this, it wasn't supposed to end like this!" Harry yelled in his thoughts. He stayed on the defensive, casting shield charms and summoning pieces of stone from around the rubble to protect himself. "What did I do wrong? I wish Dumbledore were..." The revelation hit him so hard he almost forgot to protect himself as a reducto was sent towards him.

Harry needed to end this fight fast. He poured all of him magic into the next full body bind curse and unleashed it at Ron. The redhead's shield was destroyed by the overpowered spell. The spell held so much power inside it that it not only stopped his limbs from moving, but it stopped every muscle in his body, his heart, his lungs, his bowels, and even the blood which flowed through his veins. For all intents and purposes Ron was in stasis.

Harry however was currently distracted by his recent revelation. Everything stemmed from Dumbledore. When Harry had been manipulated by Fudge, Dumbledore had likely been the puppeteer pulling the strings. Dumbledore was the man who was manipulating Voldemort the whole time. It all made sense, Dumbledore needed an evil man who would scare the wizards into reforming society. It all made sense, Dumbledore had manipulated Voldemort, who had manipulated Lucius, who had manipulated Fudge, who in turn had tried to manipulate Harry. And Dumbledore had manipulated Harry directly, forcing the boy into manipulating his best friends and their families into fighting a war and dying for the greater good. Dumbledore had manipulated people, who then manipulated others, who then manipulated some poor sucker.

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**Dropped Story:**Well you lucky folks get to see what was going to be story eleven. It wasn't funny enough, so I dropped it before it was finished. But I put too much into it to just drop it so here we go, if any of you want to take it go right on ahead, I'll give this out for free, no questions asked, just give a shout out to me.

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Dumbledore looked at the sleeping form of Harry Potter in front of him. Dumbledore needed to make sure the boy would follow through on his plans, and there was only one way to do that, by implanting a memory into Harry's unconscious mind and allowing it to take form. He didn't know why he was doing this, he practically controlled the boy already, but it seemed like a good back up plan in case Tom were to use his connection to the boy to alter them any further.

The ancient wizard put his wand to the boy's head . The world around Dumbledore shifted, and he entered the boy's dreams.

The first thing Dumbledore noticed was that he was staring at the recently deceased Cedric Diggory. Only the dearly departed was no sparkling.

"Mr. Diggory have you seen Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Why does everyone keep calling me that, my name is Edward!" Not Cedric replied in what should have been a whiny voice. Except there was no emotion in the voice. And he had somehow gained an American accent.

"I am sorry Edward, have you seen Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Probably in the closet hiding from me." The Cedric impersonator replied and walked away. Dumbledore noticed then that the sunlight hit him and he sparkled. Of course Potter was in the closet, he had been kept in there by his uncle his whole life. Dumbledore would need to ask Harry just what this dream was about later.

Dumbledore entered a house that looked vaguely like a combination of the burrow and his current residency. Dumbledore had some trouble finding the closet. It felt like an hour before he found the familiar closet.

"Hello professor, are they gone?" Harry asked from behind the door.

"Who?" Dumbledore responded.

"The vampires who sparkle. They're really scarey. Voldemort put them in here to torture me for the rest of my life. If I stay in here they wont find me. I'm scared sir." Harry replied in a voice that sounded too young.

Perhaps this is some sort of psychological protection to keep Voldemort out. Dumbledore hypothesized. It made him feel sorry for the boy. And he would make things right in time, but currently he couldn't do anything other than complete his mission for the greater good.

"May I come in Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Uncle Vernon wont let me out." The boy stated.

"I assure you your uncle will not be able to do anything to you while I am around." Dumbledore promised the younger version of the boy. The door opened a little. Contrary to what Dumbledore had assumed, Harry stepped out of the closet in his current age of fifteen.

"Thank you sir." Harry said in a voice that seemed appropriate for his age.

"For what?" Dumbledore asked.

"For helping me come out of the closet sir, now we need to go help Ginny, she's trapped in the chamber of secrets, if I don't get to her soon enough she'll get hurt again." Harry said. Arguing with the dream logic of the boy was useless. It would either wake him up or disrupt the dream too much.

"I agree, do you happen to know where the chamber is Harry?" The old wizard asked.

"Down those stairs sir." Harry replied with fear in his voice as he pointed to the flight of stair leading downward which had not previously been there.

"Ah yes. I believe we should hurry then, I doubt Miss Weasley will appreciate us talking here for much longer." The ancient wizard simply stated as if it were an ordinary occurrence. The duo headed down the stairs.

If Dumbledore wanted to go further into Harry's mind then he needed to wait until the boy was significantly distracted enough until he could enter further into the boy's conscious without arousing suspicion. A battle against a basilisk would be very distracting. Unfortunately for Dumbledore there was not giant snake, nor even the dark lord himself, but a scantily clad Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley. This couldn't end well for either of them. In all of Dumbledore's long life there were few things he hadn't done. But experiencing the fantasies of another teenage boy was not something he wanted to see. Especially considering he was old enough to be their great great grandfather. But it would give him an opportunity to enter the distracted boy's mind.

Except that the boy really didn't have a clue as to what to do, so it degenerated into instinctive knowledge, which meant that any semblance of reality was going to be lost soon if Dumbledore didn't act now.

He pushed into the hormone driven boy's mind and went deeper before anything could happen. For that the old wizard was grateful. Right until he got smacked in the face with a bludger. Dobby was standing in front of Harry.

"I am sorry Professor Dumbledore sir! Dobby didn't mean to hurt you! Dobby is a bad elf!" The eccentric house elf said before beginning to punish himself.

"Dobby no wait it's alright you don't have to." Dumbledore said.

Dobby disappeared.

"Sir... I'm afraid." Harry said.

"Afraid of what my boy?" Dumbledore asked.

"This is where he comes back." Harry said.

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Yeah so sorry for the long update guys. It's not like I have hundreds of fans so I don't think there are too many disappointed people. Next chapter is halo related. YAY.


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